How to Offer Support without Overparenting

By Amy McCready July 31, 2015

Let’s face it: Lots of our kids are overextended. Studying past midnight after sports practice and juggling a full plate of extracurriculars aimed at bulking up an eventual college app. Here are eight tips to offer real-life support to your overextended kids without overparenting.

Sixteen-year-old Sanjay rolls out of bed on a bright and sunny Saturday morning. He’s planning to go for a long run—he’s hoping to make the varsity track team, and practices and tryouts are scheduled after school several days this week—and then play tennis with a friend in the afternoon. Between the two activities, he plans to spend an hour or so working on French verbs. He learned yesterday that his good scores on a French exam have made him eligible to participate in an essay competition for area high schools, and three winners will be chosen for a summer exchange program in Paris. Sanjay is really excited about the prospect—he’s always wanted to travel abroad, and has even been thinking about a career in international business.

As Sanjay is stretching before his run, his dad materializes in the doorway. “Hi, Buddy, good news! I managed to get a French tutor for you to help you prep for your essay! Lucky for us, she had a cancellation today and agreed to squeeze you in! She’ll be here in 30 minutes and will spend the morning with you. Plus, she’ll be here every afternoon after school until the essay exam on Friday.”

“But I was going to go for a run!” protests Sanjay, dismayed. “And track tryouts are after school this week! I don’t want to miss them!”

“It’ll be worth it when you go to Paris. Now come on, change out of your running clothes and grab some breakfast—and not that sugary cereal you always eat, something with protein.”

Sanjay weakly protests again, but his father replies, “Son, I’m telling you, not asking you.”

“Oh, and by the way,” he adds, “since you’re interested in international business, I scheduled you a tour of the university’s foreign studies program. If I were betting, I’d say you have a future in France!” Dad turns and leaves the room.

Sanjay grumbles but knows from experience it’s useless to fight. Besides, his dad also got him a great job as a lifeguard at the pool, an A in language arts even though he slept through the final, and a puppy when he was 10 even though his mom had a firm “no dogs” rule.

Sure enough, thanks to all the extra tutoring, Sanjay wins the essay competition, and in a few months is on his way to Paris. Somehow, with his dad watching out for him, things just happen to work out.

Just like real life, right?

Real Life, Real Challenges, Real Advice

Parents with reasonable expectations offer real-life support to their kids. They manage their own expectations to make sure they’re realistic with regard to the people their kids are growing up to be. Reasonable expectations allow parents to help their kids in reasonable ways that aren’t forced, letting kids take the age-appropriate lead in their decisions and opportunities. This gives youngsters the practice they need for the real world we keep telling them about.

Easier said than done. I know firsthand. Here are a few pointers for offering real-life support to your kids:

1. Make sure your kids understand that the most important thing is that they give it their best and/or have fun. For instance, while English literature might not always be fun, it’s still important to do their best. On the other hand, if he signs up for a class on flower arranging just for fun, there’s no need to make it any more than that as long as he’s respectfully participating in the class.

2. It’s okay to make suggestions, but let your child take the lead in her ambitions. If she wants to become an editor of the school yearbook, encourage her to develop a plan. Talk her ideas through with her and make a few suggestions if you feel the need, but avoid an overhaul. Remember that with reasonable expectations for our kids, it’s okay if the plan doesn’t work out.

3. If you find yourself going out of your way very often to make something work out for your child, your expectations are probably out of line. If you have to force it, it’s not reasonable.

4. In only rare situations should you be the one to talk to a coach, teacher, scout leader or other grown-up on behalf of your child. It might be a good idea, though, to role-play a respectful discussion with the teacher or coach—and for younger kids, be there in person.

5. Keep the focus off achievement as much as possible. Encourage enthusiasm, courage, perseverance, kindness, and other positive traits.

6. Watch your attitude about others. If you scoff at a construction laborer and hold in high regard only people with college degrees, your kids will get the idea that only a certain level of achievement is acceptable.

7. If your child shows a genuine interest in an academic subject or activity and wants reasonable help doing more, by all means go for it! Go ahead and help with things such as visiting a museum, attending a big game, job shadowing, lining up a visit with a university professor—you get the idea; just make sure you’re taking a backseat to your child’s lead.

8. If your child starts to lose interest in an activity or other pursuit, hold him to any commitment to a class or team for the duration or until a logical break point (usually a semester or the end of the sports season). In the meantime, you can try to get to the bottom of the loss of interest—it could be that the reason is unrelated to the actual activity and fixable with some problem solving. If your child still wants to quit, let it go.

Adapted from The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World by Amy McCready. Jeremy P. Tarcher, Penguin Group USA, Penguin Random House.