Birthday Party Etiquette: Show Up and Shut Up

Tips from a mom of three on how to act as a proper and gracious guest when you're attending someone else's birthday party or dinner party.

I recently attended a wonderful bar mitzvah. It was stunning. And afterwards, I called my friend (let’s call him “Jonathan”), the gracious host, to tell him. And I couldn’t believe his reaction: “I’m glad I have friends who know how to behave,” he said. He then recounted the litany of faux pas visited upon his family in the days before and during his son’s once-in-a-lifetime milestone.

One cousin had a balky thermostat in her hotel room—and called him instead of the hotel staff to complain.

Another obnoxious family member would not travel without her dog and insisted on boarding “Princess” at his house while the bar mitzvah was in progress.

Yet another out-of-town relative asked Jonathon’s wife to get him and his lady friend tickets to a show while they were in town.

And an in-law complained that the appetizers and five-course, sit-down meal included nothing she could eat.

“Why can’t people just show up and shut up?” my dear friend asked. “Is that so hard to do?”

Apparently for some people it is.

I’m not sure why in the face of someone else’s birthday party, holiday gathering, baby shower, wedding, graduation party, or first communion, people feel the need to critique the hospitality they’ve been offered.

You pay for a steak dinner at a restaurant and the filet comes to the table medium instead of rare, by all means, send it back. The first act of a high-priced Broadway show leaves you snoring, go ahead and write a snippy Facebook post if you must. Your neighbor’s daughter decides to get married on a farm, complete with hayride, square-dancing and barbecue supper, you have two choices: Put on a prairie skirt and join the fun, or feign another engagement and send your best wishes. You do not have the right to go and complain about the choice of venue, the hay in your shoes, the messy entrée, or the disposable dinnerware.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think the altruistic suck-it-up spirit is disappearing. Whatever happened to “Sit-down and Shut-up”? I know I’m not a mother-in-law yet. I don’t have the family dinner where I desperately want to know when grandkids are coming or what my daughter-in-law is doing with her hair. But I hear these things at the office. And I have to warn all you cranky dinner guests: Keep it to yourselves.

Want to complain about the heat? Go put on a sweater. Thinking about fussing with the cooking? Bring a granola bar. If you’re going to say something—anything—make sure it’s positive.