Teach Your Kids to Connect with Those Who Are 'Different'

In today's globalized world, it's more important than ever to raise kids who respect diversity and accept others who are different than them. Here are steps parents can take to make cross-cultural understanding second nature to their kids--and themselves.

We live in a rapidly globalizing world. That means the ability to meaningfully engage with people from other cultures—once seen as a “nice to have” quality that revealed your level of sophistication and, perhaps, political correctness—is fast becoming a “must-have.” Chances are, your kids go to school with and will one day work with people from a dizzying array of races, beliefs, and backgrounds. If they can connect across these cultural differences, they’ll be far more likely to lead successful lives, says Janet Penn, executive director of Youth LEAD, a nonprofit organization based in Massachusetts.

“Feeling comfortable with those who are different—and more to the point, being able to have tough conversations about these differences—has become a critical life skill,” Penn says. “You can’t collaborate and innovate if you can’t get beyond surface relationships. You must be able to ‘agree to disagree’ while still respecting the other person and learning something new. These are tough skills that are typically not taught in school.”

Left to our own devices, most of us make one of three choices, Penn says. One, we choose to talk only with like-minded people. Two, we argue; we try to convince a person with a different point of view that he or she is wrong. Three, we simply don’t talk about the elephant in the room—it’s too hot to touch. There is another option, but it requires a dedicated effort and the opportunity to practice the appropriate skills—and that’s where most people fall short.

“Most of us have paid lip service to the benefits of cross-cultural understanding and the notion that ‘diversity is desirable,’” reflects Penn. “But this feel-good sentiment does little to effect real change in behavior. What kids need is exposure and practice—exposure to people from other cultures and practice in talking about sensitive issues without getting upset or combative. It’s the only way to get comfortable with having meaningful interactions with those who are different.”

A major new web initiative by Harvard’s Pluralism Project, America’s Interfaith Infrastructure Study, a pilot initiative of The Pluralism Project, documents the growth of interfaith initiatives across the U.S. and considers the implications of our multi-religious reality for citizenship and leadership today and in the future.

Clearly, cross-cultural understanding is a hot topic. So how can we as parents foster it in our own kids? Penn says it’s really about seizing “teachable moments” as they arise and also about creating more of those opportunities for our kids. For example:

First, strive to get out of your own “comfort zone.”

When kids see that you socialize only with others just like you, they will question your credibility. You don’t have to go to absurd lengths to create your own rainbow coalition of friends—that will seem fake and contrived—but kids need to see that you’re open minded and not “rigid.” Still, there’s nothing wrong with expanding your social circle a little. As your child learns, you’ll learn also. This is a journey you undertake together.

“Be curious!” Penn says. “Reach out and introduce yourself to someone new. Ask questions. Don’t be afraid to mispronounce their name. You might make an effort to befriend the Muslim parent of your child’s classmate or the Jewish parent of his soccer teammate. Let the relationship unfold naturally and definitely accept any invitations, especially those that include the kids.”

Don’t avoid controversial topics.

When a subject that makes you uncomfortable comes up in conversation, especially with someone who holds a different viewpoint, don’t do the subject-change tango. Instead, model the “healthy” way to disagree. Here are just a few techniques Youth LEAD uses in its dialogue training classes:

1. Use “I” statements to personalize thoughts and feelings. Let’s say, for example, that you get pulled into a discussion with someone who adamantly opposes gay individuals serving in the military. You could say: “I have a brother who’s gay. I find it upsetting when I hear inflammatory statements about gay people joining the military. I have great respect for anyone who puts his or her life on the line for our country.” Using “I” statements prevents the conversation from becoming accusatory.

2. Ask the right questions. This will help you get to the heart of others’ core principles and beliefs. If we can learn to ask questions out of genuine interest in another person, it can turn a conversation in a new direction. For example, you might ask, “Do you have a personal connection to this topic?” or “What about your life experience has influenced your beliefs?”

3. Remain silent long enough to listen. In order to benefit from the questions mentioned above, you have to listen deeply to the other person’s answers. Remain silent. Listen rather than thinking about the next thing you’re going to say. When you are a better listener, you can ask better questions. Eventually the other person comes to see that you do care about what they have to say. You might not be able to reach a complete agreement, but you can reach mutual respect.