Get the Best Family Activities
Our Best Selves
Frequently, I witness this over-reactive response from my clients. We are our best selves early in our relationship. We show each other empathy, respect, and patience. As time passes, we come to expect those things from our partner, but we tend to deliver them less and less. Use of the words “thank you” and “please” become sparse, replaced by comments like “You have to…” and “Why didn’t you…,” which are set-up comments for a fight. So what can a person say to prevent such unnecessary battles?
The answer is to stop and ask yourself one wise question when you feel your blood beginning to boil: Ask, “What do I want my spouse to do differently next time?” In my situation, I wanted him to call me in advance to tell me that his plans had changed and that he would be home later than expected. If I had shared this future-oriented solution instead of yelling at him for what had already happened, we would have skipped an unhappy battle.
As soon as I realized my short-tempered mistake, I apologized and asked for what I wanted. Interestingly, during that brief conversation my husband was flattered to learn that I was looking forward to his coming home early and was disappointed by his lateness. I also shared that I had rescheduled a play date for our son so we would be home to greet him. Our five-minute talk ended with the agreement that if his plans changed, he would immediately call me. To this day that agreement has had a positive influence on our relationship.
So my advice for couples who want to love, and like, their mate for a lifetime? Don’t focus on the problem. Do focus on the solution. A little wisdom makes a big difference.
