Throned and Dethroned: The Birth Order MatrixHow Do the Roles Played By Siblings Define Children’s Lives?

"Oh, you're not planning on having any more children? Be careful —only children are spoiled brats, you know." "Emily is your middle child? Ah, no wonder she's so easy-going." "David's the baby of the family? So that's why he's such a little ham/always trying to get attention/so sure that he'll always get his way." No matter how many children you have, don't have, or are planning to have, your mother-in-law, the check-out lady at the supermarket, and your best friend from Mommy-and-Me are probably ready and willing to share their not-always-scientifically-based ideas on what it means for your child to be an only, the baby, or the oldest in the family. Their theories might be based on intuition (and may very well have some validity), but a number of psychologists and child-rearing experts have used family interviews, longitudinal studies and other tools to develop their own theories on how birth order affects personality and family dynamics. Understanding these ways can help us to be sensitive to the special issues which may impact our children's growth and development, thus lessening sibling rivalry, enhancing the parent-child bond and allowing each child to grow up feeling loved, valued and understood. Many years ago, psychologist Alfred Adler postulated that birth order position was a major influence on personality development, along with other potentially significant influences such as parental attitudes, gender differences and socioeconomic factors. Adler suggested that the only child, who receives "200 percent of the parents' attention", often has difficulty sharing playmates and prefers adult company to the companionship of peers, while the oldest child, who is dethroned by the one born after, may become authoritarian or strict, feeling that power is his natural birthright. Adler believed that the psychological situation of each child in the family is different, with the child's opinion of himself and his place or role in the family being just as important as the actual birth order. If circumstances permit, Adler suggested, a child's birth order might be seized by another child, meaning that characteristics typical of the youngest might, for example, be manifested by an older child. More recently, researchers have looked at ways in which birth order may play a role in the type of occupations people are drawn to. A study published in The Journal of Career Assessment demonstrated that only children — and to a certain extent first born children, tended to lean toward intellectual, analytic and cognitive pursuits, whereas later-borns had more interest in both artistic and outdoor-related careers. The study's authors speculated that this might occur because parents are extra-protective of single or first-born children, worrying about their physical safety and discouraging them from participating in sports or other physical activities. Single children also get more time and individual attention from parents, may be read to on a more regular basis, and may be encouraged to pursue interests which might lead to a prestigious career such as doctor or lawyer. The study points out, "As they have more children, parents tend to become more open and relaxed, and that may allow the younger ones to be more risk-taking and unconventional." In his recent book, The Birth Order Effect, Cliff Isaacson, a professional counselor and minister who has expanded on Adler's ideas, points out that, according to birth order theory, there are five personalities which may or may not correlate with the child's actual chronological place in the family. There are no "good" or "bad personalities, says Isaacson, who compares birth order personality to the hand of cards that we have been dealt in our lives, adding, "We cannot change the cards in our hands — we can only choose how and when we will play them." Isaacson's "birth order matrix" provides a map to the unfolding terrain of a person's life, delineating the typically-seen characteristics, challenges and coping strategies faced by the only child, the first-born, second-born, third-born and fourth-born. Specific personalities, which develop as children attempt to find their place in the family constellation, are shaped by interactions and relationships with their siblings, rather than solely in response to the parent-child interplay. Isaacson lists six rules of thumb, which provide an easy framework for understanding the birth order: —except for the first-born and only child, children develop birth order characteristics by coping with the next older child — the only child has to deal with being by himself or herself (thus learning to be self-sufficient and to enjoy being alone) — the first-born must cope with the loss of attention to the second-born — the second-born must constantly cope with the attention-seeking first-born — the third-born must cope with the perfectionist second-born — the fourth-born must cope with a strong-willed third-born There are special conditions which influence the birth order effect, Isaacson adds, pointing out that if there are five or more years between the first and second child, the first-born psychologically remains an only child while the second child is also an "only child" — unless there is a third-born, who would cause the second born child to become a “first-born personality”. If the mother has help once the new baby is home (particularly from a loving grandmother), the first-born will not lose as much attention and will be better able to retain his or her “only child birth order personality”. Gender of siblings and their temperaments are also factors which affect the birth order effect. A breakdown of a marriage and separating of siblings, the joining of step-siblings into a family, the death of a child (a child may step into the missing child’s role), the adoption of another child, or a big gap in the family can all throw the birth order theories out of whack.

Dr Kevin Leman, a bestselling author and typical ‘baby of the family’, suggests in his book, The New Birth Order Book, suggests that first-born children are usually the high achievers of the family. When he speaks before a group of successful businessmen, his opening sentence is usually, “Can you raise your hand if you are the first born child in your family”. He isn’t surprised when almost all the hands are raised. They tend to be great leaders, show organizational skills, are logical, scholarly, and are good at solving problems. They are good team players, and usually leave no stone unturned to do a good job. On the down side the first born child can be rather bossy and aggressive, and may pay more attention to facts and getting the job done than to a person’s feelings, which can lead to conflict. They may also suffer from stress and a feeling of needing to achieve, causing them to become driven people. One and only children are very similar to a first-born child in their character traits but because of their family situation they may be harder on themselves, too critical of others and sometimes a little lonely. Dr Leman calls them Super First Borns. If you have a middle child, you may notice that he is a bit of a loner. While his siblings are playing together, he may be the one sitting alone in the sandpit, preferring his own company. He may also be impatient and easily frustrated, or even be known as the family goat, or a rebel later in life. On the up side, middle children are very loyal in their relationships and especially when they have their own children. It’s thought that they believe they never fitted into the family, and it subsequently makes them work hard at building new relationships, and finding their own individuality. They are generally the most trustworthy of marriage partners. They show lots of independence early on, and are very strong-minded, with often comes across as ‘strong willed’. Friends are really important to a middle child. Others show great mediator abilities and can be the peacemakers of the family. Dr Leman believes that middle children are a mystery. A rather sore point with a lot of middle or youngest born children is the word ‘family photo album’. It seems that the first born child had rolls of film taken of him, but then the camera seemed to slow down in its old age. Babies of the family are usually show offs. They like the limelight, can be charming, and are great at ‘clowning around’, but they often have a dark side, too. They may come across as manipulative, talk too much, be self-centred, out of focus with what is happening around them, temperamental, spoiled and impatient. But generally, babies of the family are likeable, fun to be around, easy to talk to, work well with others, and are caring people. They often appear relaxed, wanting to help others, genuine and trustworthy with no hidden agenda. They often have an “I’ll show you” attitude, and can be high achievers, too. In her book, Birth Order Blues: How Parents Can Help Their Children Meet the Challenges of Birth Order, Meri Wallace, M.S.W., C.S.W., a child and family therapist and founder/director of the Heights Center for Adult and Child Development in Brooklyn, points out that there are certain distinct advantages to each child's position in the family. The first-born gets to stay up latest, the middle child has an older sibling to rely on and a younger sibling to look up to her, and the youngest gets to be the baby. Having a sibling can be a very pleasurable and positive experience for children, allowing them to learn how to love a peer, how to share, and how to empathize with others. However, she adds, children also experience some difficult emotional challenges that are related to their birth order position — such as being "dethroned" by a new baby, feeling incompetent in comparison to a big brother or sister, or learning to get their basic emotional and physical needs met while sharing the parents with siblings who have needs of their own. The firstborn child basks in her parents undivided love and attention and often benefits emotionally and intellectually from this experience, emerging with a sense of security and self-confidence, says Wallace. Less positive aspects of being the oldest child, however, include feelings of jealousy, anger and/or loss when forced to share the limelight with an adorable, attention-grabbing younger sibling. Inexperienced, anxious parents may also have very high expectations for their first-born. Parents may subconsciously place too much pressure on their first born child to succeed, and may also give double messages, praising him to the sky while also critiquing him. "This concurrent idealization and devaluation can ultimately undermine the child's confidence in himself and undo his chances for success," Wallace adds. The second born child benefits from calmer, more relaxed parents and enjoys the special attention he gets as the newer member of the family, she notes, adding that a middle child gains from some of the positives of being both a younger and an older sibling. Single children have the benefit of having their parents’ undivided attention, but may face special challenges such as loneliness, less experience in relating to peers, having an adult jump in quickly to solve his problems, or a lack of appropriate limits. The baby of the family has a special place in the family, with lots of attention from the older siblings and relaxed, experienced parents who now know that children are not as fragile as they first appear to be. However, the youngest child may also be babied too much, or, surrounded by older siblings, may feel less capable or competent. The youngest child may sometimes feel left out, and may be an easy target for the older ones’ frustration. Wallace suggests that, especially with first-borns, it is important for parents to give unconditional love, avoid critical comments, convey a positive attitude about learning, and explain why he/she may be pressured to excel more than other siblings. The second born child, who may suffer from feelings of inadequacy, needs emotional support and validation, reassurance that she/he is loveable, praise for strengths and abilities, and the opportunity to be involved in activities which allow these special talents and interests to be nurtured. Second-borns should be encouraged to assert themselves and to develop problem-solving skills. Third born personality types, says Isaacson, are full of interesting twists and turns — feeling vulnerable (due to the propensity of the second-born to use all sorts of tricks to make their younger sibling feel bad), sometimes fearful yet also full of humor, emotional strength and creativity, needing parents who can help them to get along in a world in which others appear overpowering. And fourth-borns? Even though they may benefit from some of the aspects of being the youngest, Isaacson says this position is the toughest one. With these children, she says, the theme song is often, "Life Isn't Easy, You Have To Try Hard".