The New Bullies on the Block — Girls!

So where do we begin to change a society that teaches girls to be nice all the time, a society where a girl who is viewed as being “too this” or “too that” is scorned by her peers? Simmons contends policy changes in schools and school districts must occur. Most schools have anti-bullying policies that address physical aggression, but few have rules against relational aggression, she explains. “We need to change or expand the definition of what we mean by bullying. Teachers are not in a position to deal with this until schools will back them up.” Parents need to be tuned in to the problem as well, she stresses. If there is one bad episode, it will be fairly easy to spot if your child is the target of relational aggression. The phone stops ringing, the child is no longer interested in sending emails to friends. She may be despondent and talk about herself in a self-deprecating way. But even if the parent spots the problem, the child may be too ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it, Simmons points out. “Particularly among middle class girls, social success is almost as important as academic success for some parents,” she says. “If a parent places so much importance on popularity, it will be more difficult for the child to come forward and talk. I tell parents they are going to really angry when they find out their child is the target of bullying.” Simmons warns parents not to be defensive: “This is not at all easy but try to breathe deeply and do not attack.” Simmons says the most important thing for parents to do is to be there in a non-judgmental way and never say, “I told you so.” Parents need to honor and validate the feelings of their child. “When she is ready to leave the relationship, be there and help her talk through it,” the author urges. Simmons is a graduate of Vassar College and a Rhodes Scholar. She is currently working on her next project — Odd Girl Out Speaks, which will be collection of stories and essays told by girls 18 and younger of their personal reflections and thoughts on girls’ relationships and aggression. For more information on the project, visit Simmons’ website at www.rachelsimmons.com.