Secrets to Successful Co-Parenting

You've heard it all before: Divorce hits the kids hardest. Parents and experts agree that kids suffer less when both parents remain active in their children's lives.

Here are some tricks and tips to ensure that each family member stays sane and happy.
 

Call time-out on conflict.

From the paperwork to the lawyers, courts, and custody battles, divorce can be one drawn-out battle that lasts for years. When it comes to co-parenting, however, it's time to lay down your metaphorical weapons for the kids' sakes.

"One of the biggest struggles is when the conflict between the parents continues after the divorce," says Lauren Behrman, Ph.D., a Westchester-based clinical psychologist who works to help families as a neutral process facilitator, child specialist, and parent coach on interdisciplinary divorce teams. These conflicts can occur at a child's birthday party, during the holiday season, or at the visitation exchange. Dr. Behrman suggests making these occasions less awkward by handling the situation in the same way one would handle running a business with someone you didn't particularly like. Drop-offs and pick-ups are a part of the business of parenting.

If the situation is too tense to put aside hurt feelings, Kristin Perry, Psy.D., co-founder of Manhattan's InParentis, suggests relying on a neutral third party to take the kids to and from the ex-spouse's house. If you plan on working out such a house-to-house transition to avoid parental contact, Dr. Perry recommends not leaving kids to their own devices in concocting an explanation for why this happens. When you opt to remain silent about the situation, the kids may fill in the blanks with the idea that Mom or Dad doesn't want them to see the other parent. Both doctors agree that this puts unnecessary feelings of guilt on the children, who ultimately want to feel that it is okay for them to love each parent.

Structure salutations and send-offs.

How the children say hello and goodbye to their parents during transition trips can set the tone for each visit. According to both Dr. Perry and Dr. Behrman, body language reveals tons to children even if parents themselves are unaware of it. Any sort of tension, anxiety, or sadness demonstrates to the children that you are not okay with the situation. This may then cause your child to anticipate and reflect your feelings instead of her own.

Dr. Behrman also cautions against using negative or overly emotional language. "Saying 'I missed you so much. I hate when you go,' makes a child feel guilty about leaving," she says. "Have upbeat conversations, and show excitement. Talk about what things the kids will do there and when they come back." When the kids return, Dr. Behrman advises against immediately bombarding them with questions. "Be respectful. Have a couple of minutes where the kids can breathe easy."

Listen carefully.

So what happens if you get a call from an upset child while he's with the other parent? The best thing to do is just listen. "One of the things that is so useful is the idea that, depending on the different developmental stages, children are going to have different needs," Dr. Perry says. "Listen for the underlying cause. Go through what could be going on emotionally, and figure out the real problem. Is it comfort-seeking? Is it about the parents and the divorce, or something else?"