Are Parents in the Dark About Children’s Sexual Activity?

Talking, not doing? A common concern of many parents, Kreinin adds, is the notion that discussing sex with their children will encourage the child to engage in sexual activity. Kreinin says the opposite is true. In fact, one of the studies from which the Minnesota researchers drew their data showed that close relationships with mothers seemed to discourage youngsters from sexual activity; however the effect diminished with age and disappeared altogether among girls. “Children who have developed an honest and trusting relationship with their parents will probably delay having sex and will have fewer sexual partners,” says Kreinin, citing the findings of more than 30 other such studies on the topic. While it is ideal to start conversations about sexuality at a young age, Roffman says it is never too late to start, insisting that parents should not wait until the child brings up the subject. “As children go through elementary and middle school, they are increasingly exposed to sexual messages from outside sources including peers and media. Parents need to work at being the primary reference around these issues in order to communicate their own values to their children, she advises. “If you give your child values, you can frame any objections to media messages in terms of these values,” Roffman says. “The values we teach our children as babies and toddlers are the same values we want them to bring into a sexual situation: respect, caring and loyalty. We teach them that people are easily hurt and they need to take great care with other people’s feelings.”

Media as teaching aids Roffman adds that parents can use the media to provide “teachable moments”. When watching a television program with a sexually explicit scene, a parent can use that as an opportunity to open a discussion and as a chance to dispel misinformation that the child may be interpreting, she suggests. For example, a scene showing a couple in bed after their first date can give a parent the chance to explain that this is not the norm for relationships, opening the communication channels for a discussion about values in relationships and feelings. As children reach adolescence, parents need to change their communication style, she says. They should treat their children more like colleagues than charges, and listen without a hidden agenda. “Just as toddlers are driven to toddle, adolescents are driven to think on their own. Parents need to respect the child’s developmental need for privacy,” Roffman says, adding that respect for privacy should not be confused with setting limits, which parents still need to do.

What about abstinence? While most parents probably want their children to delay having sexual intercourse for as long as possible, she says they should be careful in the way they encourage abstinence. “Abstinence is about not doing something,” says Roffman, explaining that this can trigger a rebellious response from children. Instead, she recommends that parents frame delaying sexual activity in a positive way by telling their children: “Don’t cheat yourself,” or, “Sex is not bad, it can be very wonderful but it is also very powerful so you need to be very careful.” It is important that children understand the emotional and physical consequences of sexual activity, Roffman says, stressing the significance of providing them with information about contraception and sexually transmitted diseases. Under the first two years of the Bush administration, sex education has largely been discouraged in lieu of promoting abstinence; under the terms of financing, $135 million was allocated this year for courses that are forbidden to encourage the use of contraception. Training programs developed by Advocates for Youth and financed by the Clinton administration — designed to help parents take the awkwardness out of talking with their children about sex — have been held up. The delays, some sex educators say, could further widen the gap in communication between parents and children. “Many parents are scared of giving misinformation,” Kreinin says. “Parents need to be able to say they are not comfortable or don’t know the answer to a question, but tell their children they can find the answer together.” She adds that parents should provide children with additional resources for questions including a pediatrician, a gynecologist or an organization like Planned Parenthood.